In being unfaithful as a spouse, the most important question is what exactly do I want?







Leading a double life might work for some


Have I seen “parallel relationships” work/last? Well, I’ve seen them last, yes. Work? Depends entirely on what people mean by “work.” And the definition of “work” will be dependent on the answer to another question.

To me, the most important question: What is it, exactly, that I want?

If a person said …

I love my spouse, and I want this marriage. I enjoy this identity in my public life. I have regular, warm, comfortable sex with my spouse. Though it’s not the sex I’d like to have. There’s enough good here that I’m willing to negotiate the less-conservative sex I would most like to have. I have decided to abandon efforts to negotiate an edgier, more multidimensional sexual courtship with my spouse. But just because I’ve lowered my expectations of sex with my spouse does not mean I’m willing to lower my expectations of sex. It happens that I love another, too. This person would maybe not be suitable for me as a spouse, and I have no such illusions or desires thereof. But this person does provide the additional dimensions of sexual courtship that I desire. And, while I have no motive to devastate my spouse with the discovery of this affair, and while I am therefore committed to great care and vigilance to conceal it, I am nonetheless willing to assume the risk of devastating my spouse. For me, the only way to have all I want from life is to lead a double life. I understand this means that no one person will ever have my entire heart. I accept that. Maybe I prefer it.

… then I would say the world you have forged, N.W., would be the perfect world for that person.

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